The more avid of you readers will know that our first, ultimately pointless, words collective of the season left us dangling our testicles out of the car, on the newly completed smart M3, impatiently waiting for a long overdue squad update. What would 4pm bring??? Well, nothing as someone hadn't ordered more ink for the photo copier. A quick trip to Staples though and 4:26 would hail the revealing of the tasty morsels we'd all been eagerly waiting to gobble up like a carnivorous turkey at a post thanksgiving day parade all you can eat buffet.
The non-surprises? As suspected, armed forcing his way in as ballbag protector was Luke "Chilli(con)" Cairney. He was joined on the new bus by former Cambo-rambo unit Matt the "Easter" Bunyan. Both had already featured in the p-s BS.
On to the bigguns though... Spencer's only gone and got Curo back in. I mean... I think we'd all allowed ourselves to drift away and imagine it at intermittent points over the summer break, but to actually see it there on the screen was a thing of beauty. As we've said on numerous occasions. "He fucking loves it up the Boro". Welcome back Curo, evidently we can see what the rest of the non-league pyramid cannot. HE STILL SCORES GOALS FOR FUN YOU BELLENDS.
Probably the most surprising name on the update, aside from the confirmation CJF had signed his contract despite us being told he'd signed a contract weeks ago, was the unveiling of Kieron "Richlist" Forbes. Have to admit, this one came from nowhere. He played 28 times for conf south champs Maidenhead last season for goodness sake. Greatest coup since the Cuban revolution? Only time will tell, but with "Castrol" departing for his extra large plate of chips and ham, this was without doubt the most pressing area to be addressed across the squad.
Of the departees... Again, no great surprises. Curtis "Mayfield" Osano was taking a break from the game. Rumours were abound that he's being lined up to appear in the Indian version of big brother. We wish him well. We also finally got closure on Zaki-gate as it transpires his dream move to Algeria had fallen through. We don't know why, but to then be forced to trial at Basingstoke the following week is the epitome of insult to injury, so we wish him well... (Maybe at Whitehawk).
That left the massive white elephant of 'mandemonium' Pat "Butcher" Cox. He was still a Boro player and would be in the squad for the weekend. Frankly if you believed that, you'd believe anything.
The other HUGE announcement was this joint venture with the army, to service our training needs. Unfortunately, reading between the lines, this just meant we could borrow a tank to lift "Clintons" Ciardini out of his sun lounger after an over exuberant summer break.
SOOOO buoyed on by this rather fantastic news, the following day brought us back to the San Cherrio for the first time. With 2 games in 2 days, 4 if you fancied the other games, this was a veritable feast of localized soccer.
"Richlist" went straight into the starting eleven and "Curonimo" carried on where he left off up top with Perry but with the added bonus of "Mustard" Calcutt playing anywhere along the line behind, above and below them. With the departures of Donnelly, Pearce and Osano, "Reggie" Emmerson started alongside Forbes in midfield and with "Truncheon" Hutchings on his holibobs or something, our esteemed leader chose 5 at the back with CJ, Huggins and Jack "Hucknell" Smith in a three with John "Tiny Dancer" Oyenuga at right wing back and Nic "Clintons" Ciardini on the left.
Despite a spirited start, the gulf in class became pretty apparent early on. HW won promotion to what was the Southern Division One Central last season and of course we are now back in the Southern Premier, so there is a difference and it told.
Across the weekend Perry and Curo hooked up like a couple of Love Island fuckers and on more than one occasions they finished each other off with aplomb.
On Saturday it was Curo that was the giver and Perry received gratefully. A hook over the top by Richlist set Curo away and he put it on a plate for The Hoffen to gobble up. 1-0.
It didn't take long for the second to arrive. A cleared corner was expertly but hopefully lofted back into the box by Reggie to the surprise of everyone but Perry, who anticipated it with sixth sense and volleyed it home. 2-0. Easy street.
HW were organised and lively and will be a useful outfit in Division One, but the passing and movement by Boro was too much for them.
Second half was much the same, one way traffic and a miriad of other clichés. The cherry on the cake was a sumptuous early contender for goal of the season. Perry picked the ball up to the right of the area about 30 yards out and curled in a cross that Curo reached to nod the ball back into the path of Mustard. Without breaking stride he hit it on the half volley on the edge of the box and sent it arrowing into the top right corner with his left peg. Booooooom.
The 5-0 badgering was completed by a Ruzicka (trialist) header from a Mischa corner and a Clintons penalty when he was the chicken and bacon in a club sandwich (three bits of bread, three players?!? Ah fuck off) and he picked himself up to spank into the bottom left of the ballbag.
Whilst we were in the bar post match (we would have stayed outside and utilised the new pumps in the F.A.S.T food hatch but it started spitting) Basingrad handed Fleet's arse back to them in a doggy bag, 6-1. So The "Dragons" it was in our first but by no means last cup final of the season.
The only difference to the Saturday was that The 'Stoke must've really hit the town celebrating their win as only the kids turned up on Sunday. We expected a test but it ended up being fucking target practice.
If there's one thing we learnt from this weekend it's that Perry "The Hoffen" Coles is solid gold diamond. He's the mutts dangly bits. Whereas the day before he was boffing them in the ballbag, Sunday he was a Pez dispenser. First up he chased down a lost cause, nicked it off their centre back and laid on a plate for Curo to slide it home.
Next, he hassled the midfield, turned infield and bent a beauty into Curo's path and he's not going to need to be asked twice, rounding the keeper liked he'd been doing it for 25 years. Oh hang on....
Two up at half time. AGAIN!
The third wasn't too long in coming. Reg got moved out to left back and was getting bored so he took a quick free kick and fucking leathered it onto the toe of trialist "Kleenex" Andradry, he slipped a peach into the box and Clintons tapped home. Opposite to the Spice Girls, Three became four when Hucknell flicked a perfect Perry corner into the far post.
We equaled our tally from the HW game when a poor clearance was knocked back into the box and as the Stokers watched and waved at the lino, another trialist, Everett (or Kenny as he'll now be known) looped the ball over the ballbag protector. Nice finish.
And we went one better when Ginger Jack got his noggin onto another corner and buried a bullet header into the onion bag. He's already taking The Salmon's mantel as numero uno plonker in of headerererers.
So that was that. As Spencer would say, it was minutes into legs and lead into the pencils.
Ashford of the sexers from the centre ground would hopefully put up a bit more of a bloody fight, and so it proved. The only change was that Reggie had gone for a few days off after completing 180 minutes in two days so Matt "The Easter" Bunyan was in.
A close first half resulted in only one goal, no prizes for guessing who, so I won't bloody tell you.
Going in at the break in the lead and with no goals conceded lead us into a false sense of security and we bloody let them score. Funnily enough it was some prick what done it.
A bit of jeopardy was just what the doctor ordered as we need to be able to come back and win when brought back down to earth but when you've got Perry Curo up front you know there's a pretty darn tootin good chance you will do just that. If this preseason hasn't left every defence in the Southern Premier shitting their collective pants at the thought of coming up against them then.....well they bloody should be.
A Tiny Dancer solo sojourn slalom round the static shitty sexers defence that made Maradona's against England look like a fat, drug addled prick waddling at Kenny Sansom and Terry Fenwick, added the "icing sugar" to the cake.
3-1 it finished, a little flattering maybe but you aren't going to pass up the chance to put a shine on proceedings.
Before we made the trip down the M3 to Winchester we discovered that the worst kept secret in North East Hampshire was true. They're putting a Nando's next to Stinky Sisters in Kingsmead. No, sorry, not that, twas in fact that Pat "Dead as a Butchers Dog" Cox was on his way to our hosts to join the rest of the good ones from Fleet to form a super group. Good Luck Coxy. Maybe see you next season.
In coming news was that the cryptic "defender we're looking to sign once he's fit" was now fit and we'd looked and we'd liked and we'd gone and done the deal with St Albans for another bloody Jack. Jack "what could we possibly call him" Saville. Very exciting. We should never have doubted you Spencer.
We couldn't make the trip to the old capital of this great nation because we had shit to do before the real stuff starts and/or we fucked off on holiday.
In a nutshell, because we had our eyes and ears there for us, we won 1-0, it was Curo's turn to score today, we weren't great but the defence looked solid with Saville round the back alongside CJ and the Hugster. Truncheon was back on the left and we had another new midfielder. This time next to Richlist was a chap called Chris Regis, apparently recently released by Colchester. Also, Liam Stone was between the sticks instead of Luke Cairney so it's looking likely will see him in the squad by the time we take the trip to St Neots on Saturday.
We'd love to tell you more, but our mole was otherwise engaged and distracted by his guest to the game so we don't have anymore for you.
You may be lucky and get a preview of our opening league game but you might not. Put a gun to our heads now though and we'd say Spencer will stick with his 5-2-3 or 3-4-1-2 or whatever it is when he has the wing backs and Mustard behind Perry Curo. There'll be either Cairney or Stone in goal, one of the Jack's alongside CJ and Josh, probably Truncheon on the left and Tiny Dancer on the right, Kieron and Reg/The Easter in the middle and the front three pick themselves.
Don't ask us for a prediction, although we'd put a fiver each on Curo and Perry to score. You're welcome
This is a fuck of a long load of bollocks so if you've got this far, cheers, but maybe you should think of having a wipe and getting off the shitter. Your legs will have bastard pins and needles and you'll fall over and knock yourself out on the sink.
It's fair to say though that we're pretty bloody excited about the new season now.
We're uncomfortable with the optimism, it's not sitting quite right but fuck it, we're running with it until the pissing wheels have fallen off.
We'll see you there.
Lots of love
The Boro Walk
(P.S yes by the end of this we'd had a few beers and we're a couple of shitty sheets to the wind but there's FOUR FUCKING GAMES TO TALK ABOUT, FUCK YOU)
As always.... COME ON YOU YELLOWS!!!
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