Friday, 28 July 2017

Le Tournoi Preview

The longest three months in recorded history has come to and end and soccer is back at the home of the mighty yellows. The all conquering Farnborough F.C who fought off all comers last season (except Royston. And Marlow, dodged a bullet there; but apart from that) are back playing football on the lush green carpet of home, sweet home.
What a pre-season it’s been. Oh the excitement. Oh the anticipation. It started as it meant to go on. Connor “Mustard” Calcutt arrives. Nick “Truncheon” Hutchings arrives. Sam “Fogle” Pearce opts for fields nearer to home, but Jack “Hucknall” Smith returns to the fold. Who else is going to grace our fine band of merry men?? ………………
…………………….no one yet, well that’s fine as we’ve been assured that the victorious squad of last season are all signed back on for next season.
So…. the first friendly is upon us. Fleet host again, but it’s too hot for one of their magic cups of tea (do you remember, back at the beginning of the month when that big ball of YELLOW was burning bright, no me neither. It must be an omen) and we’re all bedecked in our yellow finery and news comes on the wire that Scott “Castrol” Donnelly has departed for a bigger portion of chips in deepest, darkest West Wiltshire. Disappointing, but hey ho. Onwards.
Trialists aplenty at the Park of Calthorpe in the first half, lead by the tenacious captain-esque Jack "Mischa" Barton. A couple look tidy, many look titty. Second half, and the "first teamers" are back, but sans Pat “The Butcher’s Dog’s Dick” Cox, Zak “Saved by the Bell(end)” Oualah, Keith “The Fucking Legend Reggie the Rat” Emmerson, John “Does anyone know a mechanic?” Oyenuga and Aaron……oh no hang on there he is “Cooooeeee, The Slayer!?!?! WHY ARE YOU WARMING UP WITH FLEET?!?!?!”
…….and so it began!
Within 24 hours of the final whistle being blown, the massive truck of horse shit is dumped right on top of a very small fan.
Zak announces he’s got an opportunity to play professionally in Algeria (who knew!) so he’s off (more of that later) and rumours are abound that the reason Pat Cox was a no show was that he is on strike because he wasn’t given more money. The irony, if that statement is true, after playing Fleet is laughable.  So in a heartbeat, the spine of team has been ripped away and there’s not an official announcement in sight.
Havant and Waterlooville was a nice trip and actually quite encouraging despite the lack of players but this guy can remember watching Farnborough Town stuff Waterlooville 7-0 on his first trip to Cherrywood 27 years ago so excuse us if a 2-0 defeat doesn’t float our boat.
The slow decent into the quagmire of cack continues as the following Saturday’s trip to Whyteleafe was cancelled. It was cancelled because we had less players than the Basildon Chess Club Wife Swap Evening.  Fingers nervously hovering over the panic button.
Worse to come was that initial reports that Zak turning out for Basingstoke was for match fitness only, before he flies out to his North African box, seem to be underestimating the lack of honesty and transparency in the non league game as it appears his “dream” move has been dashed on the rocks. Further rumours suggest he was told to do one when he asked to come back are unsubstantiated.
But the good news is that there is a “Squad Announcement” at 4pm today where we expect the confirmation that Josh “The Salmon” Huggins has signed up for the season and that two players who have featured heavily in both friendlies so far, Luke Cairney, the Armed Forces goalkeeper, who looks an excellent proposition and Matt Bunyan, who is described as a forward, but seems to be a utility man of vast stature and strength that will certainly come in handy when facing Conference standard players from only last season. Maybe the guy who sounds like Mmmm tittys will sign too.
These are all welcome, and we will obviously be furnishing them with hysterical nicknames forthwith, but when we see that Royston are signing players from League 2 bound Lincoln who featured heavily in their championship winning side, we can’t help but feel a little less optimistic of our intentions on trailing the Hereford freight train.

The season tickets are primed in the wallets, the shirts have been despatched from Northern Ireland, player sponsorship forms are just waiting for our signatures and some of us have even been doing our bit by buying cars from our shirt sponsors. So no one can say that we aren’t supporting the fucking club.
It’s Le Hants Tournoi this weekend. An event I’m sure the club were confident was going to be bathed in glorious sunshine and met by the kind of optimism not seen at Cherrywood since we heard “We would like to welcome the new owner of Farnborough Town, Mr Graham Westley”.
On the bright side, there’s 6 hours of football to look forward to and there’s an OUTSIDE BAR!! AN OUTSIDE BAR!!!!
We’ll never be anything but 100% behind every player that pulls on the yellow and blue shirt and we’ll be vocal, vehement supporters of those who stick their body on the line for team, but optimism isn’t high on the terraces, or should I say blue plastic chairs of our massively inappropriate stand.
There’s still time, but let's get a fucking move on so we're not playing catch up on August 12th eh. We know only one team goes down, but momentum should never be knowingly squandered.

Don't worry, we'll be here all season offering countless hours of toilet reading and merciless threads of twitter bollocks.

Welcome back you mo'fo's!


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