19/11/16 - 'Boro 3-0 Kidlington... a tale of 2 shit penalties

Another Retrospective Think Piece from The Boro Walk...

As I meandered through the cobbled streets of Queensmead on Saturday morning, in the shadows of the twin Poundlands, I overheard a couple of tramps squabbling over a half eaten Greggs steak slice they'd chanced upon. The conversation went something like this;
"Give me that fucking steak slice you piss soaked Aldersh*t watching scumbucket"
"OH fuck off nom-nom-nom... So anyway... who have you got today?"
"Kidlington"
"Kidlington??!"
"Yes, Kidlington"
"WHAT THE FUCK IS KIDLINGTON"...
Whilst there were no eye witnesses to corroborate the legitimacy of this turn of events, it did echo the sentiment that had been ringing around in my head. But we are where we are. Tinpot league. FML... as the kids say.

So, another week.... another new opponent. 16th place Kidlington it is. One of the largest villages in the country, allegedly, with no designs on upgrading to town status. So it was the anti town villagers versus our former town Goliaths.

Team news:-
Same old really. Eddie "Gillette" Smith still suffering with his cankle & Curtis "Mayfield" Osano still on sabbatical to continue his training to head out to lapland to help assemble karaoke machines. The eagle eyed Boro loyalists in the crowd would have noticed one new name on the bench... Michael Onovwigun, appearing from below the radar (theBoroWalk loves a live nicknaming challenge).

INTO THE ACTION and straight from kick off, John "Tiny Dancer" Oyenuga dribbled round their whole team, just for shits and giggles. His cross/shot a good palm warmer for the oppo gk.
Subsequent early exchanges suggested Kidders weren't here just to make up the numbers... the quality movement, of an inner city dance troupe on Britain's got talent, and pressing with such intent that Corby could well be inline to take over as their principle sponsor next season.
Unfortunately for our visitors, they had not banked on finding a Boro centre half pairing more rigid than Brian Broome's testicles. Cap'n CJ "Pammy" Fearn & Sam "Fogle" Pearce looked imperious at times. You could almost hear Aaron "The Slayer" Bufton purring as his 2 principle charges kept him safer than a cock ring at a lesbian wedding.
That said, they can't mark everyone at a corner... so when some green git stole some space, he planted a header firmly into the corner. Unfortunately for him, Ollie "hands" Treacher was on, ummm, hand to clear off the line. Definitely a case of ball to "hands"... or maybe ball to "hands'" balls.

With the clock pushing towards 30, Perry "The Hoffen" Coles unleashed a sweeping drive crossfield to Nic "Clintons" Ciardini, which did for Kidders rightback as he injured himself ballwatching it. Clintons surged into the area winning a corner..... Hold on, let me copy and paste.... Clintons corner landed on the golden napper of Josh "The Salmon" Huggins and the ballbag bulged!! 74th headed goal of the season for The Salmon...  1-0

Kidders RB had to leave the field. Weedon off. Make your own fucking jokes.

Other main highlight of the half was Kidders number 9 having a crack at the world record for getting caught offside. Think he got to around 87, so falling just a couple short. Unlucky son.

As HT neared, "Fogle" was getting the taste for goals and was cynically bundled over during one of his soirees into the box. PENALTY!! "Pammy" stepped up and launched the ball into orbit. Damn that bloody super moon. HT 1-0

Into the second half and both sides were jockeying for position like the start of the grand national.
"Fogle's" next goal hunt manoeuvre was a 20 yard free kick bent in like a faulty boomerang. To his disgust, Kidders' keeper got his big fat hands on to it. "Fogle" was just biding his time though.
In truth 'Boro were making hard work of it and, at times, looking more laboured than the delivery suite at Frimley Park.
Special mention for a crucial save by "The Slayer" from a Kidders free kick. Fisted it away like a bearded demigod.
New boy Michael "Churchill" Onovwigun made his 'Boro bow with 25 to go... Looks like the love child of Carlton Palmer and Rusty Lee. We wait with baited breath for the club to announce the terms of his stay!!
As Kidders grew in confidence, they tried to force it and the game went all Danny Dyer for a bit. Handbags, late tackles, player pile ups, kiss chase, bookings... PROPA' NAWWWTY

Into the last 10 and with the game on the edge of a blunt butter knife, "The Hoffen" released "Clintons" down the left and the Boro legend marauded towards the PRE, holding off the helpless defender in his inimitable style, and buried his shot deep into the ballbag, breaking the hearts of Kidders fans all over the village. 2-0

With Kidders heads going down, like a world prostitute championship finalist, Boro kept their foot on the gas and with "The Hoffen" a constant source of frustration, he earned another free kick down by the club shop. After dusting himself off, he stepped up to whip it into the box like a circus lion tamer. A deflection off the defender took it into the path of "Fogle" and he smashed a header beyond the redundant Kidders keeper. 3-0

There was still time for Kidders to get what they came for.... the chance to follow in the shoes of the man, the legend, CJ "Pammy" Fearn. When the ref decided that "Hands" had... well... handled in the box, he flashed his stiff red at him and "Hands" had to trudge off. Kidders' striker stepped up and tried to emulate his hero. Whilst he didn't quite match "Pammy's" elevation, he still comfortably cleared the MRE. Something for them to take home from their big day out.

FT.... WE WON 3-0

Summary....
Boro march on with another win, as we fucking should... Christ this league is tinpot.
We stay a point behind Roysters potato chips despite their best efforts to throw away a 3 goal lead against Egham & chips.

Next up... some other tinpot team in a tinpot friendly... then a slightly less tinpot team after that probably.