Mar-lower than they ever have been before

The name Marlow comes from the Old English for "Land left after a good draining".

Boro Walk Towers was given a good blowing by Doris this week and we lost our quill and parchment in the afterglow including the notes we made on wet bark about the Arsley game.

What we can remember is we decided to get an Über all the way to Hitchin and back, drank Prosseco/Cava/Asda's own fizzy wine all the way there (other supermarkets own brand fizz is available). We were the ones in fur coats swinging our magnums around and shouting about "Winkies".

But we can recall Gillette smashing his load into the ballbag from the spot being the only points on the board for either team so we must've won. Hurrah!

A couple of days worth of hangovers and  we were back to our usual selves. Quite frankly we were disgusted at the lack of love for the "Dim-eatsy Pie-ate" #WayneShaw tweet.

Anyway, the crux of last weekend was three more points and we got a Cox on the pitch. And we shall christened him "Butcher" because none of you got the genius of the Mixu PATelainen pun.

Today sees the visit of Marlow, who are most famous for their 1-0 win against Farnborough in 2016. Their second most famous moment was playing Tottenham in the F.A Cup in 1993, but it wasn't quite such a glorious visit as our own trip to West Ham the year before.

https://youtu.be/y0_erfOfUuw
(you seldom see players shake hands after scoring anymore)

Another interesting tit bit from Marlow's history is that the author of Frankenstein, Mary Shelley lived there for a time, and after our visit there earlier in this season I can see where she got her inspiration for the monster from, fnar fnar.

With them currently sat in 5th place this is potentially the dress rehearsal for the Playoff Semi Final, but things can change. Probably not for us though, we're ten points clear of 3rd so safe as houses.

The Lowians proved stubborn opponents last time out so no quarter shall be expected given today on what looks like will be a quagmire surface and windy conditions. Quality football probably at a premium then.

Pat "Mixu" Cox (balls to your poll decision) will probably make his home debut at some point and new loanee Jordan "GoalDen" Graham goes straight in to the squad after training with us this week.

We aren't going to go out on a limb and predict a haul of goals. Several 1-0 wins suggest we've tightened up like Simon Cowell's face after botox before the Brits, but scoring has been about as free flowing as Jamie Vardy. Hopefully Mixu and GoalDen will change that today.

Going for a narrow win again 1-0. Cox to get off the mark.

As always....

COME ON YOU YELLOWS YELLOWS YELLOWS!!

Aylesbury'd in the snow.... A tale of a cows arse and his mate banjo

Well the fingers and toes have just about thawed out from last weekend so we can finally set to work on putting our anal into analysis. Somewhat of an ironic term to use given the fact that the match unravelled like a massive dog turd.

Never let it be said that theBoroWalk shies away from a challenge though and, thanks to those evening classes on 'polishing turds', we plough into the detail like Nic "clintons" Ciardini at an 'all-you-can-eat' kebab van.

There wasn't too much of note as the team sheet arrived at theBoroWalk towers. John "tiny dancer" Oyenuga continued his stretch on 'the Judy' as Jack "Mischa" Barton extended his run of starts as coal man in the engine room. No Sam "Ali" Shaban in the squad though, it transpired he'd gone for a trial in wrestlemania... or some other country, I forget. Good luck to the lad.

Some #FakeNews reverberating from the changing rooms suggested that the Aylesberet management had chosen to utilise our prematch prose score prediction to fire up his visiting moles to the slaughter. Clearly not regular readers then!!!! We go on record as saying how very flattered we are and, if you need us to do your job for you in future matches, just drop us a DM on twitter 😉

Great to see a pack of mascots taking to the field with their big yellow heroes by the way. Hope to see much more of this going forward.

Kick off crept up on us like Eddie "Gillette" Smith at the clinic.

Cagey first couple of minutes from Boro as Sam "Fogle" Pearce and Josh "the Salmon" Huggins were caught cold rehearsing their double act rendition of the can-can. This allowed one of the Moles to get to the bisexual-line and cross dress his balls into our box. Thankfully cap'n CJ "Pammy" Fearn was on hand to despatch the ball into orbit and away from danger.

Some interchanges neater then "Reggie" Emmerson's wig collection from the visitors and, as we'd anticipated, their league position wasn't giving a true reflection of the a la carte menu they were dishing up. This was a team clearly transitioning like a politically correct minefield. That said, the early signs suggested that, for all their new manager's contacts in the transfer market, deals on specsavers contacts were clearly less fruitful. The PRE would get more smashed then Boro Ass.Man. JR on the Fosters top.

That said, "Gillette" Smith looked like he had the taste for it and ghosted past the visiting right back like Perry "the Hoffen" Coles queue jumping at a So Solid Crew reunion.
A long throw, twice flicked on by Aylesburians almost presented the first goal to "Gillette" but he had it nicked off his toes just as he was winding up to deliver the ballbag buster. Thankfully we didn't have much longer to wait to feel some respite from Jack Frosty bollocks.

On 25 mins "Clintons" drifted in a beauty of a corner ball into the crowded area and, through a combination of the ballbag protector and Curtis "Mayfield" Osano's throbbing head, the ball fell at the feet of "Gillette" who struck with razor sharp precision into the mach of the net. Those who's joints hadn't frozen solid jumped to the heavens in ecstasy as the almighty yellows were up and running again. 1-0

Unfortunately a goal didn't become the spark to ignite the half into a rip snorting petrol fire and ultimately it petered out like a soggy indoor firework. Granted there was still time for the visitors to get more target practise in on the PRE. Evidently they hadn't done their research on how much that cost us! How bloody rude!! Also special mention to cap'n Ceej for another of his trademark "throw your entire soul at it" blocks, right on the stroke of half time.

HT 1-0

Yessssss.... HALF TIME!! FREE BURGER AND CHI..... OHHHHHH FML. Still, at least there wasn't a queue today.

One change at HT as Dennis "the Fire Engine" Oli was pulled off for "Tiny Dancer". Dennis was struggling with illness... a monumentally tough ask in that condition, so fair play. Back to 4-4-2.

We started reasonably brightly in the 2nd half as the players felt the warmth of the PRE drawing them in like "Mischa" Barton and an e-mail entitled "free tickets to BBC Question Time".
The footy was less tiki-taka and more jiggery pokery as a nondescript Boro venture ended up in a comedy attempted clearance by one of the defenders and "Gillette" summoned his inner Van Basten as he hooked a sumptuous 20 yard volley leaving the ballbag man smelling of roadkill. Unfortunately for the Boro faithful, the protectors blushes were saved like a super-injunction as the bar of cross came to the rescue. Sublime effort, deserved more!

"Clintons" had a sight of goal after a good move down the left, unfortunately though his right peg effort had more lethal snatch then Ashley Sestanovich.

The Aylesbeanos continued to make chances and then waste them like a wild western gun-slinger with cataracts.

"Fogle" was booked for a modified body slam. Someone probably should have told him you're supposed to get the bumps on your birthday, not dish them out. "Mishca" also went in the book for something, I can't remember what though as by that point it was so cold I wanted to chop my own genitalia off and wave it around my head so I could generate heat and make a joke about "the ice man cometh".

"Gillette" picked up his customary knock and was replaced by "the Goat", to the absolute delight of his merry band of little green men.

FT 1-0
theBoroWalk motm - "Mischa" Barton. Our defensive unit was more solid then a Pat Cox transfer saga.

I cannot stress how abysmal that second half was. I mean, if it was a movie it would have been Waterworld. A frozen Waterworld. Is there a movie called Ice World? Spice World... I've never seen it but that had to be terrible didn't it? It was Jar Jar Binks, in Spice World, directed by Nigel Farage.

But yes, 3 points...

ONWARDS!

Down a few real Aylesbury

A fervant fesitval of freezing football is on the cards today as The Mighty Yellows return to fortress Cherrywood to lay the smack'eth down on some more 'candy ass'. That was a 'stone cold' reference. Go ask your kids/grandkids if you don't get it... we're trying to write puns for every age group here. Anyway, as Big Daddy Boro go on the hunt for the next 3 points in this Giant Haystacks of a season, it's Aylesbury who come to town with a new manager, having Kendo NagaSACKy'd their last one. (ask your dad/grandad!!)

Following the euphoria of last week's monumental dismantling of the pesky Uxbridgers, the signs of life in this post Royston apocalyptic world appear to be good. A couple of 3-1's, more comprehensive then Cove School, have brought a real feelgood factor back into the Boro dressing room.
A quick look at the table suggests that you might need a neck brace before peering down towards our visitor's current standing. 20th place, we won as many games in August as they've won in their entire season. But the 'cup final' syndrome combined with 'new manager' syndrome clearly points to the fact that Boro cannot step off that throttle. 'The Moles' have not been getting rogered in games of late either, they seem to have made a habit of losing by the odd goal. They also came back from 2 goal deficits, at CSP & the BRovers last month, to gain creditable draws. Suppose we should also mention the fact they beat us from 2 goals down earlier in the season too.... Less said, of that day, the better though!!

Birthday bumps for "Reggie" and "Fogle" today, hopefully we can have our cake and eat theirs.
Let's come out of the blocks like a sprinter suffering from Lycra induced premature ejaculation
We need to (Pat) COaX another win out of our yellow heroes today.

Haven't got anything else to say. Get your willy warmers on, it's going to be glacial.

theBoroWalk prediction: 7-1 Boro

An Ux-bridged

So there we were... M3, M25, M4... the usual Heathrow procession. Unfortunately we weren't stopping off at Heathrow T3 to head out to Lesbos for some much needed refuelling action. No, it was destination Honeycroft for us on this relatively sun-drenched Saturday. With the calendar ticking down towards 2 months since our last away win, euphoria levels were still very much at tepid. That said, we're Boro and this league is tinpot respectable, so we approached the leafy suburbs of West Drayton with the usual levels of misplaced entitlement.

First thing that struck you about the ground was the sheer amount of picket fence pitch surrounds. Frankly there was more wood then Curtis "Mayfield" Osano in the showers. Much like Aaron "the Slayer" Bufton on twitter, though, we don't care much for sitting on the fence... so we leaned. Should probably be a joke about going on the of-fence in there too... but we digress.

Only notable selection discussion point was the benching of John "tiny dancer" Oyenuga, albeit not overly surprising after his nightmare half hour against the CSP'ers the prior week. Jack "Mischa" Barton thrown into the action like a hard brexit.

By the time we'd been sidetracked by the Uxbeerfridge red kit looking like we were playing FIFA on the xbox against the England'66 team, KO time was upon us like a 70's Nobby Stiles pun.

It wasn't the greatest opening 15 minutes again. Both sides looking tentative and frankly a bit scrappy. We haven't heard from the guy who decided it was a good idea to go in late on "Reggie", but we'd guess he's unconscious, in a bag, in the deepest reaches of Siberia by now. The game felt like it was up for grabs like a bag of chips at a tramp convention and it soon became apparent that goals would be the main course for this half. To be fair to the hosts, unlike the current labour party, it was a clinical move down the left which got their noses in front. The Boro rearguard suckered in like a virgin walking past a strip club, allowing some prick to bulge "the Slayer's" ball bag. 0-1

Much like the men's queue for the toilet at a Chippendales' gig, we didn't have long to wait. The first time we ventured towards the host's area in anger and Eddie "Gillette" Smith was cut down like that first dump the night after a big curry. The ref, starting as he meant to go on, was having none of that. Moments later though and Nic "clintons" Ciardini, benefiting from his new in built solar panels, muscled his way into the action like "Reggie" at a head shaving convention and coolly sliced open the defence like "Mischa" Barton subjugating over the state of the NHS. 1-1

A couple of minutes on and the ref moved into 'slipstream bellend' mode as Dennis "the fire engine" Oli was scythed down like an overgrown shrubbery in the box. More stonewall than a car park, but there you go. Boro were starting to flex their almighty wang power now and the UxxyBridgers were getting peppered like an over seasoned rump. Just after the 30 min marker and a moment of sheer coffee overdosed pants wetting euphoria ensued as a half arsed clearance fell to "Mischa" Barton who leathered an 85 yard ball buster into the ball bag. The only thing more impressive than the actual strike itself was "Micha's" effort to remain cool and collected at his own surprise at what had just unfolded. Mobbed by his team mates, it was a classic away day goal. Spiffing! 2-1

Boro continued to boss the remainder of the half, although a monumental recovery and block from Josh "the Salmon" Huggins" in the box, after the ironically named "Woods" had worked himself some space, kept us in the ascendancy. HT 2-1

Fresh from the lovely HT bread pudding (#nonleague), it was back into the action. Boro pressing like a Corby. "the fire engine" had a snap shot hand-jobbed around the post for a GK and "Fogle" might have done slightly better with a head banger after "Reggie" got his 1 wood out from the touchline.
Like a man with a penchant for very curvy women, we started to flirt with a case of the wobbles as that old 'sit back or attack it' mentality started to weigh on the minds. "Clintons" took one for the team and had to proceed with caution after having a tug at their one of their counter breakers. In an act of team unity though, the Uxbridgerers decided to seek some retribution and flattend "Clintons" just outside the box. From the resulting free kick, "Fogle" stepped up and sculpted a wondrous strike with more curve and bend then our entire season. Unfortunately for the travelling hordes, though, it struck the cross bar like a atheist teetotaller.
"Mishca" Barton was next to take one for the team as he thwarted a U-bridge counter after a sloppy Boro pass. Caution was the result once again. "The Fire Engline" almost got his sirens whirring when he got on the end of a "Salmon" corner flick on, good handjob by the ballbag protector. "Clintons" drove at the defense like a blind man in a Ferrari, drawing a needed yet unspectacular handjob from the ballbag man again.
Once the home side had finished headbutting each other out of the game, the Boro bench came to life and "tiny dancer" was sent on for "the Fire Engine" and, not for the first time in recent games, we made it count with the ballbag unload coming pretty instantaneously. "The Salmon" and "Gillette" causing more panic in the final third and Perry "the Hoffen" Coles was on hand to guide his low shot past the despairing paw of the ballbag man. Number 13 for "the Hoffen", did we tell you his bloodtype was A-goal positive? Yes? Oh, well fuck it... it's a good line.

 That third goal eased the Boro faithful's squeaky bums like a tube of anusol. The players carried on in their quest for 'busters though as what turned into a thoroughly professional half of football came to a wind down. There was time for "The Goat" and "Ali" Shaban to enter proceedings to add more vital game time to their growing repertoires. Even a disallowed home side goal in the dying seconds couldn't take the shine off of this one.

I think the coaching manuals would refer to the afternoon as great game management. Then again, referring to the players as pimps probably wouldn't have been the best instruction in advance of their celebratory night out together.
We came to learn that the Smyths toy store opening had brought Farnborough town centre to a grinding halt. Thankfully we couldn't say the same for the Uxbridgers and our promotion hopes.

BRING IT

PREVIEW... fUxbridge episode II... attack of the moans

Having suffered a jolly rogering at the hands of the Royston Potato peelers, it was of great relief that the mighty yellows were able to return to relative normality by spanking Chalfont St Peter Ndlovu all over the boggy wonderland of the San Cherrio hallowed turf.... well, in the 2nd half at least.

Fast forward a week and it's the relatively short trip into West Drayton for episode two of the Uxbridge dilemma. Ahhhhh Uxbridge. Remember that one? When we were creeping over the line, 2-1 up, protecting our 100% home record back at the end of September. Then the ref had an absolute moment of madness and, instead of awarding a free kick for a shoulder charge on our then gk "The Norris", he awarded a goal... foul, handball, ball hadn't crossed the line, linesman hadn't given it.... take your prick.

Other moment of note from that day? One Perry "the Hoffen" Coles had signed with us the morning of that game.... wonder what ever happened to him.

Anyway, 4 and a bit months later and here we go again. Boro off to Honeycroft to avoid the honey trap and try to sure up their frustratingly inconsistent away form and continue their plan B march to topping the playoffs mini league. Only 1 win in 5 on our travels. #wobbly

So what of Uxbridge? Well they've won 3 of 14 at home this season. Yes, 3 of 14. They got their arses handed to them by Royston last time out, granted not as badly as we did, but on paper this should be a game we assert ourselves like a narcissistic ball bag POTUS and take home the spoils.

Team news... Well off the back of Spencer's refreshingly honest post match offering last week, we're expecting a pretty much unchanged offering. The only question seems to be surrounding the enigma of a whirlwind that is John "tiny dancer" Oyenuga. Hopefully he's had a good week and is ready to put on a throwback to those halcyon early days of the season when he was ruining full backs left, right & centre. 

To the players who've taken pay cuts or are even playing for free... You're top notch. 

With the unfortunate rumblings coming out of Fleet in the last 24 hours though, perhaps our boat race campaign might be gaining a new cox before long. 

Not got much else to say... WE'RE RUNNING LATE!!! 

theBoroWalk prediction :  4-1 Boro' (Let's hope for a decent ref and no Groundhog day)

Chalfont St Beater

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