We've gone and found our way out... of the Wild-North-Wood

What were you doing 1 year ago? As a Boro fan you'd have been counting down the soul destroying days to our 16th straight month without an away win. Thankfully that 16 month mark was averted days later, at the Met Police, as borderline godlike displays from Aaron "The Slayer" Bufton & Dennis "the Fire Engine" Oli (if memory serves me correct) set the wheels in motion on our gloriously sumptuous late surge to escape the relegation zone.... resulting in us still being relegated.

Back to the future and it was another road trip, more mind numbing then Nic "Clintons" Ciardini's IQ, up to Northwood Park to see if March would yield yet more away maximums, following on from 'fill-yer-boots' Feb. 4 away wins on the trot?! Won't somebody please think of the children! The pain of the Kempston piss up fest cancellation still weighed heavy, but time's a healer. Deep breaths everyone. After nearly killing 2 old men outside of a nearby allotment, we were lucky to make it to the ground with 21 seconds to go, offer our so solid £8 and take our positions up against a fence.... of which there was plenty. Is there a greater feeling then venturing into the surroundings of a brand new non-league ground?! It's our craic.

On paper, we all knew this should be a walk in the park, ironic given the fact we didn't move from our chosen observation point once inside. The Woody's had visited the Fleetists last time out and were handed their arses on a plate by all the goals in 7. Obviously the argument could be made that their manager would be looking for some sort of a reaction to that result, always worth remembering they were only edged out by a single goal at the Royston Potato chips 2 weeks prior too, so they were more then capable of turning up. That said.... diplomacy isn't our forte. Nothing more then an away spanker would suffice


Team news and there were a couple of tweaks from the starting line up which took to the field in the Neighbours omnibus with Fleet 11 days prior. Perry "The Hoffen" Coles was in for "The Fire Engine" and theBoroWalk favourite Keith "Reggie" Emmerson returned to the brigade to run his utility prowess as centre back in place of the hooky Curtis "Mayfield" Osano.

Northwood kicked off and the Boro set off, at pace, to take the game to the homers. "Clintons" was looking hungry for a pie piece of the action and it was no surprise when the first opening fell to him, blocked well by one of the linebackers. If possession is 9/10's of the law, early signs suggested we were staying out of trouble today. All we needed was a goal....
Fresh from the customary misspelling of his name, on the teamsheet, John "Tiny Dancer" Oyenuga would quickstep his way down the line and win a corner. As we all passive aggressively crossed our fingers that we wouldn't waste it going short, that man "clintons" bent his delivery in with more bend then one of his patio chairs.... Cue havoc in the 6 yard box as the ball appeared to bounce, hit the cross-stick, then present itself like a cheap prostitute for someone to nod home. Step forward Josh "the Salmon" Huggins, obviously, to face plant home into the ballbag. 1-0

So now time to let the procession commence... a march towards a comfortable away win and boosting the goal difference, right? No... that would be far too simple. Chances weren't in short supply. Perry "the Hoffen" Coles striking the ballbag stick, around the half hour mark sticks in the mind. There was also another audacious half way line effort from Scott "Castrol" Donnelly which had the ballbag protector squirming like Sean Spicer.

We were comfortable, yet unable to strike the killer blow that the 2nd and 3rd goals would bring.
In true Boro style though, obviously we needed that jeopardy effect again to keep ourselves interested and it arrived in good time as the Woodys broke down the wing and a low cross saw "Tiny Dancer" and one of their strike-men go for contact. Ref called for the spotkick, don't really have an opinion as I sneezed so didn't really see if it was a just call or not. But fuck it... WHAT A DISGRACEFUL DECISION!!! Some prick stepped up and sent "The Slayer" more far right then Nigel Farage's moustache comb. 1-1

Boro continued to have the lion's share in the remainder of the pre-cuppa minutes. "Castrol" continued to illustrate that he'd left his shooting boots in the car as he first faffed a dribbler towards the keeper and then, following good work from "clintons", volleyed a ball into orbit as he adopted what can only be descriped as karate kid technique.

HT 1-1. It was clear to see that Boro had the superior technical ability, but it did have the feel of a performance that we were just struggling to slipstream into that top gear. We were more Chris Evans then Clarkson and co. No bother though... the HT team talk would iron that out.

We started the 2nd half fairly brightly, adopting a shoot on site approach from our first 2 attacks. From then though, the game kind of went all schadenfreude.
A free kick from the left hand side was floated in and the Boro defense made their entry for the Darwin awards. Some prick ghosted into the area and nodded home completely unmarked, as "the Slayer" and "Fogle" aired their first live performance of the 2 man show "Titanic hits iceberg". 1-2   A fairly lengthy delay would follow as it became clear "The Slayer" would have to come off. Step forward our substitute ballbag protector.... Oh fuck.... we havent got one. So for the 2nd time in 3 games it fell to an outfielder to take on the sweaty privilege of "going in". This time the epic game of rock,paper, scissors was won by CJ "Pammy" Fearns and the cap'n strolled fearlessly into the frying pan. Jack "Mischa" Barton came into the action for "the Slayer", who would head off to the local infirmary.
Meanwhile, "Fogle" was up and giving it the Monty Python "it's only a flesh wound, I can still bite you" routine. He only lasted a couple of minutes more as he was forced off. Infact it would be a double substitution as Eddie "Gillette" Smith and "the Fire Engine" would come into the action... Jordan "GoalDen" Graham the other retiree.

So there we were, 2-1 down... outfield player in goal, 4 strikers on... it had the feeling of going 1 of 2 ways. Luckily, the change in the Boro's purpose was more striking then Southern Rail. "Mischa" Barton won the ball in midfield and laid it off to "Clintons". Buoyed by the fact it wasn't him in goal again, he drove at the homers and carved an avenue to centre it to "the Hoffen" but the defender wasn't having any of it and sliced it deep into his ballbag protector's ballbag. 2-2!

With the wind in our sales it was all Boro now as a "Reggie" hail mary clearance was flicked on by Pat "Butcher" Cox, "Gillette" laid it off to "the Hoffen" who worked the defender over and sent him into early retirement. Sumptuous footwork allowed him to plant a low piledriver at the ballbag protector who could only flick his wrists at it and take an assist as "Gillette" was on hand to cut us mach into the lead. Absolute euphoria for the travelling hordes as we were deservedly leaders of the free world once again. 3-2!

"Butcher" and "the Hoffen" both had decent chances to put the game to bed, but we didn't have long to wait. A throughball cut the Woody's defence in half like a skewer through the kebab joint at Grandma Buggins. The "Butcher" would calmly round the keeper but, pushed wide, had the nouse to calmly slide it to "Gillette" who, in turn, would lay it in to the path of the on-rushing "Castrol" who cooly side stepped the defender and despatched his load into the ballbag. A thing of beauty. 4-2

There was even time for our glorious captain to make his customary ironic easy save, to top off a near perfect last 30 mins.

All over. 4-2

theBoroWalk motm :- "Clintons" probably just edged man of the match over "Castrol" for his unrelenting effort.

When the chips were down, the experienced heads took charge. Special 'word up', also, for "Mischa" Barton who played his cameo perfectly. He was winning balls like a kid at a funfair basketball stall, but then looking for the simple offload to his more creative peers... that's what he does, great to see.

If we can harness that determination and unity... we'll be more pro-motion then a Beyonce twerking video in slow-mo.

A blow to lose "the Slayer", we hope to see him back between the sticks as soon as is flippin' possible. "Fogle's" knee needs some TLC, give him a walkman with waterfalls on loop.

Next up? Only bloody Royston potato peelers.

Preview - The Woods, their pad & the smugly

So the 'Boro playoff cavalcade hits the soul destroying M3/M25 corridor, once again, on a quest to carry on sculpting the statue of DAYvid that is our playoff momentum. With almost 2 months having passed since THAT Tuesday night siberian horror show at the Royston Potato peelers, we've somehow crafted a 100% trail of destruction away from the San Cherrio. The Uxbridgers, Arselays & Fleety turds all have been slammed down like an article 50 bill in the house of Lords.

Northwood FC is today's destination and the imaginatively named "Northwood Park" is another new ground for many of the hordes of the Boro faithful making the expedition. "The Woods" currently sit 17th in the table and, with only 1 win to date this year (P-field), have found themselves nervously looking over their shoulders as Histon and Aylesbury fight like pregnant Totland teenagers below them.

So what side can we expect to see today? If Tuesday night's 3-2 triumph in the speedily arranged 'friendly' against the King's Tonians is anything to go by, and we think it will be, then we'd expect Sam "Fogle" Pearce to continue his busman's holiday in midfield alongside the recently returned Scott "Castrol" Donnelly and new whippersnapper Jordan "GoalDen" Graham. CJ "Pammy" Fearns may well continue his recrudesce into the back four but, let's be honest, it all depends what side of the bed our almighty overlord gets out of. It has to be said that it's nice to have more options then a supermarket hot chocolate range, on our bench, for once.

Northwood appears to be most famous for Fearne Cotton and "Godfrey" from Dad's army having resided there. We'll stop by the museum and pick up a novelty pencil and rubber from the giftshop of course. Oh, large parts of 70's sitcom "The Good Life" were also filmed there. For younger readers, this was a sitcom based on an obstinate & pig headed bloke who gave up his busy commercial lifestyle to undergo a project to become entirely self sufficient, whilst trying to tolerate his judgemental neighbours. So yes, pretty much like life at Boro in recent years.

Northwood can take some solice in knowing they'll be the first team to have graced theBoroWalk review archives twice. That day Boro ran out nervy 2-1 winners. Who knows what the hell will happen today. Either way, we're in the playoffs, so let's just enjoy the ride... And the banter. Ohhhhh the banter.

theBoroWalk prediction : 4-1 'Boro

A Fleeting visit to our friendly neighbours

So after the big pile of excrement that was the home spanking we received last Saturday (see our review in the previous post) we couldn't possibly stoop any Marlow-er as we took the short trip to our North East Hants neighbours, Fleet Town.

It was pretty knicky knacky noos at Calthorpe Park but the 4-3 reverse fixture was warming the cockles as we approached the ground, especially as recent signing Pat "Mixu" Cox was making a rapid return to his former stamping ground after starting for the first time in the 3-0 rodgering at the weekend. Hattrick hero Jamie "Curo" Cureton on that Bank Holiday Monday in August has gone, come back for a game, scored, and buggered off again in the meantime, and since then our esteemed leader SD has been trying to lure The Butcher down the road to San Cheerio with no luck, until the new man attempting to fill the massive shoes of Steve Cantle decided to suspend all pay and he hot footed it to the mighty yellows. All a bit contentious so we'll leave it there.

Caligula gave the big thumbs down to the first eleven and decided to obliterate the team and formation following the return of Scott "Castrol" Donnelly into the midfield "engine" room to give us a bit of "va va voom" and a real "drive" in the centre of the park. Bruum bruum.

In came Castrol for Gillette, meaning we'd only have two up top. Mischa made way for the third member of the triumvirate of new joiners, Jordan "GoalDen" Graham, and The Hoffen made way for The Fire Engine to partner Mixu. Tiny Dancer was drafted into left back as Reggie took a knock last time out and Pammy moved into centre half with Fogle taking his place in front of the back four.

Early signs were the changes were a God send and our full backs were pushing forward with menace, the midfield was as water tight as a mermaid's brazier and the forward line was keeping the ball up the slop.

Chances were a bit few and far between until "The Butcher" opened his account. And boy was it a popular scorer. There was always half a chance he'd be reserved as he nodded the opening goal in the 19th minute, but instead he went ape shit and ran into his adoring new fans. Clintons charged at the defence, cutting outside and laying it on a plate for someone to tap in but it avaded everyone. Fortunately, Castrol appeared on the right wing to knock in a wizard ball and Cox rose highest to head in. We'd taken a decent crowd the massive 5 miles down the Fleet Road and they made a bleedin din, completely drowning out the boo boys.

The tails were up, and we poured forwards time and time again, Tiny Dancer clearly benefiting from his rest and and recuperation from.... whatever the problem was, lead the charge. Driving down the wing, twisting and turning like a twisty turny thing, he could have created a hatful. As it happened when the second arrived it was from GoalDen's run at the Fleet back four and thunderous shot that hit a defender and turned into an up and under which was held up brilliantly by The Fire Engine, who laid the ball back for Fogle to swing in a beauty and Mixu rose like.... well... The Salmon, and planted a textbook header into the bottom corner. 2 fucking 0!

It was then that the foot was removed ever so slightly from the gas. Fleet started running at our defence and winning corners and freekicks and then we won a few goalkicks. Unfortunately it was from one of those corners that Fleet smashed a goal back into the onion bag. In the nicest possible way, as ever, some prick scored for them. There was just enough time before the half time whistle went for Clintons to force their bulging ball bag preventer to tip over a tasty dipper from left of the area.

Off we wandered round to the tea hut for an XXL brew straight from the pot. As brilliant a job the ladies and gents do in the FAST Food kitchen, they could learn something from the good people at Fleet.

The initial concern would be that we'd be facing a Fleet buoyed by the last gasp goal and come roaring out the traps like Lance Armstrong post injection. This didn't transpire immediately and it was end to end stuff.

If anything, we should have put ourselves out of sight. Firstly a goal mouth scramble saw their ball bag guardian pull off a worldy and the resultant melay was forced out for a corner. From the inswinger, The Salmon jumped really really high, and planted his header down and....somehow fucking wide.

Immediately, Fleet surged forward and a neat ball through saw their No.7 take round the Slayer but it took him to an acute angle and his effort hit the outside of the post and bounced in to Aaron's grateful arms.

Despite heading downhill in the second period the ball seemed stuck in our half and every clearance came straight back at us. Some tidy interplay from their midfield and wingers always came to nothing, as, unfortunately for them, they needed the prolific goalscorer they had last year to put the chances away. But we had him. And he'd already scored twice.

With bottoms squeakier than Orville with his bollocks in a vice, we crept over the line to three valuable points. A marked improvement on Saturday, but it couldn't have been worse.

Next is a trip to Kempston, whose early season form had seemed to have deserted them until last weeks win so their peckers will be up. We then travel again to Northwood for the third away game on the trot. Following that is the visit of not so much champions elect as nailed on got the trophy in their cabinet already Royston Potato Peelers.

If we're honest 7 points from these three would be a job well done.

Confidence restored, we go again.

COME ON YOU YELLOWS!!

Mar-Low Blow in the sphincter

Us 0-3 Them

ONWARD

Mar-lower than they ever have been before

The name Marlow comes from the Old English for "Land left after a good draining".

Boro Walk Towers was given a good blowing by Doris this week and we lost our quill and parchment in the afterglow including the notes we made on wet bark about the Arsley game.

What we can remember is we decided to get an Über all the way to Hitchin and back, drank Prosseco/Cava/Asda's own fizzy wine all the way there (other supermarkets own brand fizz is available). We were the ones in fur coats swinging our magnums around and shouting about "Winkies".

But we can recall Gillette smashing his load into the ballbag from the spot being the only points on the board for either team so we must've won. Hurrah!

A couple of days worth of hangovers and  we were back to our usual selves. Quite frankly we were disgusted at the lack of love for the "Dim-eatsy Pie-ate" #WayneShaw tweet.

Anyway, the crux of last weekend was three more points and we got a Cox on the pitch. And we shall christened him "Butcher" because none of you got the genius of the Mixu PATelainen pun.

Today sees the visit of Marlow, who are most famous for their 1-0 win against Farnborough in 2016. Their second most famous moment was playing Tottenham in the F.A Cup in 1993, but it wasn't quite such a glorious visit as our own trip to West Ham the year before.

https://youtu.be/y0_erfOfUuw
(you seldom see players shake hands after scoring anymore)

Another interesting tit bit from Marlow's history is that the author of Frankenstein, Mary Shelley lived there for a time, and after our visit there earlier in this season I can see where she got her inspiration for the monster from, fnar fnar.

With them currently sat in 5th place this is potentially the dress rehearsal for the Playoff Semi Final, but things can change. Probably not for us though, we're ten points clear of 3rd so safe as houses.

The Lowians proved stubborn opponents last time out so no quarter shall be expected given today on what looks like will be a quagmire surface and windy conditions. Quality football probably at a premium then.

Pat "Mixu" Cox (balls to your poll decision) will probably make his home debut at some point and new loanee Jordan "GoalDen" Graham goes straight in to the squad after training with us this week.

We aren't going to go out on a limb and predict a haul of goals. Several 1-0 wins suggest we've tightened up like Simon Cowell's face after botox before the Brits, but scoring has been about as free flowing as Jamie Vardy. Hopefully Mixu and GoalDen will change that today.

Going for a narrow win again 1-0. Cox to get off the mark.

As always....

COME ON YOU YELLOWS YELLOWS YELLOWS!!

Aylesbury'd in the snow.... A tale of a cows arse and his mate banjo

Well the fingers and toes have just about thawed out from last weekend so we can finally set to work on putting our anal into analysis. Somewhat of an ironic term to use given the fact that the match unravelled like a massive dog turd.

Never let it be said that theBoroWalk shies away from a challenge though and, thanks to those evening classes on 'polishing turds', we plough into the detail like Nic "clintons" Ciardini at an 'all-you-can-eat' kebab van.

There wasn't too much of note as the team sheet arrived at theBoroWalk towers. John "tiny dancer" Oyenuga continued his stretch on 'the Judy' as Jack "Mischa" Barton extended his run of starts as coal man in the engine room. No Sam "Ali" Shaban in the squad though, it transpired he'd gone for a trial in wrestlemania... or some other country, I forget. Good luck to the lad.

Some #FakeNews reverberating from the changing rooms suggested that the Aylesberet management had chosen to utilise our prematch prose score prediction to fire up his visiting moles to the slaughter. Clearly not regular readers then!!!! We go on record as saying how very flattered we are and, if you need us to do your job for you in future matches, just drop us a DM on twitter 😉

Great to see a pack of mascots taking to the field with their big yellow heroes by the way. Hope to see much more of this going forward.

Kick off crept up on us like Eddie "Gillette" Smith at the clinic.

Cagey first couple of minutes from Boro as Sam "Fogle" Pearce and Josh "the Salmon" Huggins were caught cold rehearsing their double act rendition of the can-can. This allowed one of the Moles to get to the bisexual-line and cross dress his balls into our box. Thankfully cap'n CJ "Pammy" Fearn was on hand to despatch the ball into orbit and away from danger.

Some interchanges neater then "Reggie" Emmerson's wig collection from the visitors and, as we'd anticipated, their league position wasn't giving a true reflection of the a la carte menu they were dishing up. This was a team clearly transitioning like a politically correct minefield. That said, the early signs suggested that, for all their new manager's contacts in the transfer market, deals on specsavers contacts were clearly less fruitful. The PRE would get more smashed then Boro Ass.Man. JR on the Fosters top.

That said, "Gillette" Smith looked like he had the taste for it and ghosted past the visiting right back like Perry "the Hoffen" Coles queue jumping at a So Solid Crew reunion.
A long throw, twice flicked on by Aylesburians almost presented the first goal to "Gillette" but he had it nicked off his toes just as he was winding up to deliver the ballbag buster. Thankfully we didn't have much longer to wait to feel some respite from Jack Frosty bollocks.

On 25 mins "Clintons" drifted in a beauty of a corner ball into the crowded area and, through a combination of the ballbag protector and Curtis "Mayfield" Osano's throbbing head, the ball fell at the feet of "Gillette" who struck with razor sharp precision into the mach of the net. Those who's joints hadn't frozen solid jumped to the heavens in ecstasy as the almighty yellows were up and running again. 1-0

Unfortunately a goal didn't become the spark to ignite the half into a rip snorting petrol fire and ultimately it petered out like a soggy indoor firework. Granted there was still time for the visitors to get more target practise in on the PRE. Evidently they hadn't done their research on how much that cost us! How bloody rude!! Also special mention to cap'n Ceej for another of his trademark "throw your entire soul at it" blocks, right on the stroke of half time.

HT 1-0

Yessssss.... HALF TIME!! FREE BURGER AND CHI..... OHHHHHH FML. Still, at least there wasn't a queue today.

One change at HT as Dennis "the Fire Engine" Oli was pulled off for "Tiny Dancer". Dennis was struggling with illness... a monumentally tough ask in that condition, so fair play. Back to 4-4-2.

We started reasonably brightly in the 2nd half as the players felt the warmth of the PRE drawing them in like "Mischa" Barton and an e-mail entitled "free tickets to BBC Question Time".
The footy was less tiki-taka and more jiggery pokery as a nondescript Boro venture ended up in a comedy attempted clearance by one of the defenders and "Gillette" summoned his inner Van Basten as he hooked a sumptuous 20 yard volley leaving the ballbag man smelling of roadkill. Unfortunately for the Boro faithful, the protectors blushes were saved like a super-injunction as the bar of cross came to the rescue. Sublime effort, deserved more!

"Clintons" had a sight of goal after a good move down the left, unfortunately though his right peg effort had more lethal snatch then Ashley Sestanovich.

The Aylesbeanos continued to make chances and then waste them like a wild western gun-slinger with cataracts.

"Fogle" was booked for a modified body slam. Someone probably should have told him you're supposed to get the bumps on your birthday, not dish them out. "Mishca" also went in the book for something, I can't remember what though as by that point it was so cold I wanted to chop my own genitalia off and wave it around my head so I could generate heat and make a joke about "the ice man cometh".

"Gillette" picked up his customary knock and was replaced by "the Goat", to the absolute delight of his merry band of little green men.

FT 1-0
theBoroWalk motm - "Mischa" Barton. Our defensive unit was more solid then a Pat Cox transfer saga.

I cannot stress how abysmal that second half was. I mean, if it was a movie it would have been Waterworld. A frozen Waterworld. Is there a movie called Ice World? Spice World... I've never seen it but that had to be terrible didn't it? It was Jar Jar Binks, in Spice World, directed by Nigel Farage.

But yes, 3 points...

ONWARDS!

Down a few real Aylesbury

A fervant fesitval of freezing football is on the cards today as The Mighty Yellows return to fortress Cherrywood to lay the smack'eth down on some more 'candy ass'. That was a 'stone cold' reference. Go ask your kids/grandkids if you don't get it... we're trying to write puns for every age group here. Anyway, as Big Daddy Boro go on the hunt for the next 3 points in this Giant Haystacks of a season, it's Aylesbury who come to town with a new manager, having Kendo NagaSACKy'd their last one. (ask your dad/grandad!!)

Following the euphoria of last week's monumental dismantling of the pesky Uxbridgers, the signs of life in this post Royston apocalyptic world appear to be good. A couple of 3-1's, more comprehensive then Cove School, have brought a real feelgood factor back into the Boro dressing room.
A quick look at the table suggests that you might need a neck brace before peering down towards our visitor's current standing. 20th place, we won as many games in August as they've won in their entire season. But the 'cup final' syndrome combined with 'new manager' syndrome clearly points to the fact that Boro cannot step off that throttle. 'The Moles' have not been getting rogered in games of late either, they seem to have made a habit of losing by the odd goal. They also came back from 2 goal deficits, at CSP & the BRovers last month, to gain creditable draws. Suppose we should also mention the fact they beat us from 2 goals down earlier in the season too.... Less said, of that day, the better though!!

Birthday bumps for "Reggie" and "Fogle" today, hopefully we can have our cake and eat theirs.
Let's come out of the blocks like a sprinter suffering from Lycra induced premature ejaculation
We need to (Pat) COaX another win out of our yellow heroes today.

Haven't got anything else to say. Get your willy warmers on, it's going to be glacial.

theBoroWalk prediction: 7-1 Boro