Monday, 11 September 2017

We are King's of the Langley


Thanks for reading.

No, but really, give us a break. We traveled through a monsoon to get to Gaywood Park, discovered on the way there that our starting eleven was minus The Hoffen and Curo, we had ANOTHER new player (hate to say we told you so), we had no natural centre halves in the team and then, when we got there, it started spitting and we didn't pack a mack. Fuck our actual life.

So Spencer had lost the plot and dropped our front two, had another brand new central midfield partnership and left Hucknall on the bench playing The Organ as centre half with Reggie (who can basically play fucking anywhere) despite being Tiny Prancer's replacement AND putting on loan midfielder 'Good' Evans at right back.

On the other hand, we'd been pretty toothless in our previous two matches in various stages of the contests, mainly the first hour against Slough and the first and last half hours against Salisbury, so the decision to put Easter up top to hold it up for Mustard and Football Focus with Clintons, Southam and new boy Bellamy, who is on remand from Aldershit, holding firm in the middle, did actually make sense. At least he was changing it up and trying to halt the slide.

As it turned out, Perry was off getting hitched so not dropped but completely screwed (only joking love, if you're reading this, which you're obviously not).

So whilst the wife was in Dunelms in Watford buying blankets, i was shivering my tits off and slightly moist in a gay wood.

First half, we did the job that we were intending, stopping them from playing. Unfortunately, we were so interested in stifling the Langleyians that we didn't really provide any forward thrust ourselves. Easter was more often than not isolated as Mustard went deep and Football Focus was pinned to the wings.

Clearly not match fit, Bellamy and Southam laboured like an overdue pregnancy, they toiled and worked hard but there was no spark. Clintons roving brief again failed to ignite and that left Mustard and Focus frustrated.

It took a bit of jiggery-pokery and moving Nic to the left that dragged their midfield about creating more space and giving everyone a bit more joy, and Robert's your mother's sibling we are camped in Kings Langley half like a Festival field of tents.

Once again half time arrived at an inopportune moment and we sucked on those oranges like lemons.

Part Two started, as it always does.
We had our peckers up and we started banging on their door like an over excited Hermes delivery driver.

First up, Mustard had a flicked header expertly tipped over the bar, and after new boy Bellamy had won the ball, he fed Football Focus who cut inside and tried to tee up Clintons but despite it being cut out, it fell for Mustard again who could only roll it wide tamely.

Enter Curo. The pitch that is. I love the guy but not like that. Easter Bunyan made way after working like a trojan horse, as in he was wooden and had lots of men inside him.

Bingo, best chance of the match falls to Focus after good work by Clintons and Curo, he cuts inside for the millionth time but blazes higher than a bong wielding hippy.

But it was coming.

It felt inevitable, and it was going to involve Football Focus. Once again, he gets wide out right and by now you'd think their left back would know what was coming, but apparently not as Dan cut inside on to his left peg but rolled it as softly as a Kleenex with Aloe Vera balm into the ball bag protectors palms.

You don't normally see Reggie get wound up on the pitch but as he chased down a Langley Lolloper the ball ended up off the byeline and the ref pointed to the corner, resulting in Reg going batshit mental at the jeb end in black. The corner nearly ended in Langley taking the lead but it was cleared and something else but as we were down the other end and I was starting to need a piss so wasn't really concentrating and I was getting nervous that they'd score and shit.

BUT, on came Richlist for his first minutes of the season after the Molesey mother fucker knobbled him in the last friendly. The difference was immediate and class finally told.

Mustard was as strong as an ox on a fuck load of steroids and held off several of their defenders and slipped in "Fister" Southam who made no mistake with a delicate dink over the ball bag protector. No disrespect to Fister but we didn't know if he had that in him but he put on the velvet glove and gave us the lead for the first time since the opening day of the season. 0-1 Boro. Woo hoo.

Naturally, we then feel a turtle head poking out and get numbers behind the ball in the hope of pushing it back up and not leave a skid mark.

However, it seems it was a master stroke as we lulled them into a false sense of security and hit them on the break like a cunt mugging a granny.

Unfortunately, it got to the point where my post half time tea filled bladder could take no more of the nerves and i was making my way up the bank towards the shitters when we fucking scored. I thought it was Curo as the players seemed to be congratulating him but it transpired it was Football Focus. I'm sure it was an absolute belter but I've no idea and there's no video evidence. Doesn't matter 0-2 Boro. Job done.

Bladder empty, and another great move involving Focus, Richlist and then finally Mustard got his reward as Forbes cross for Curo was blocked but it came back to him and he laid it on a plate like a big fuck off steak and Mustard snaffled it up. 0-3 Boro. Bish Bash Bosh.

Homeward bound with three points in the bag. THANK FUCK.

Next up was Gosport Borough. With all due respect, they are currently the whipping boys of the league and Basingrad gave them an eight star rodgering a few weeks back so they were there for the taking.....

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